Emptiness

As I walked down the path I chose,

Around me the dust of my past rose

Thousands of pairs of eyes, I see,

        are following as though seeing right through me.

I cower, cover and break into a run

Jeering eyes follow, drawing out of my misery, twisted fun

The gaping hole inside me is now so pronounced,

My masks fade as darkness creeps up unannounced.

My tears have dried and my patience tried

as I grope,

in the darkness for a tiny speck of hope...

Three Three Three

Ok i got a tag from Leo... And I'm gonna please him by doing something immediately...
Here goes..

My Famous 3 Names:
Priya Vinay
HoneyMunch
Kutty (thts cos of my size)



3 things that scare me:
Losing people close to me
Cockroaches
More cockroaches

3 things which make me smile
being kissed on my cheek
getting roses
watching the finished attempt of my friend's artwork make-up on my face(happens a lot. I've learned to smile now :) )

3 things i Love
My scooty pep
Chocolates
my tata photon modem(My boredom killer machine)

3 Things I hate
Bad hair days
People frowning
Being away from home

3 Things I don't understand
Why whom we marry is decided by a group of people other than the people who have to get married?
Why people don't believe in aliens?
Why I'm like what I am :)

3 Things I'm doing right now
Getting updates from a function that happened today at workplace
Doing this tag (DUH!)
Helping ma select a saree to work tommorow

3 Things I can't do
Wait for a person to finish talking
Not fight
Not write

3 Things I think you should listen to
Your heart
Mom - I hate to admit this but - Moms are always right when it comes to us.
Music


3 shows I watched as a kid
Jungle book (jungle jungle patha chala haia chadi pehen ke phool khila hai :))
Fantastic Four
Woody Woodpecker

3 things I want in a Relationship
His effort
Trust
Fun


3 things appeal to me from the opposite sex
How much they make me smile
How easy going they are
How they are ready to do anything anytime


3 favorite fictious characters
Sherlock Holmes
Caption Jack Sparrow
Edward (twilight)

3 of my favorite hobbies
Singing for no reason
Troubling mom
Writing

3beverages i drink regularly
Orange juice
Tea
Salted lemon Soda

3 things I love about myself
How easily i get disracted (Easy to make me forget why I get angry)
My eyes
I'm very clean and organized (for people who watch FRIENDS - I'm monica)


3 Things I hate about myself
I look like a school girl (and i'm 22. I'm sick and tired of people minimum 5 years younger than me calling me cute)
I'm restless
I tend to be controlling


3 things I'm wearing right now:
My favorite black tee.
My age old skirt
and my specs


2truths and a lie
I'm head over heals in love
My haircut looks bad (I did that to myself)
I hate my haircut (This is the lie)

3 people i wanna pass this on to
Pugazh
Amity
GV - high time u wrote something..

From Corporation to Corporate - What we were to what we are

I remember the days, when I spent endless hours in the hot sun, climbing trees and racing my cycle like a maniac, fogetting the time, until my mom screamed from window to come back in and clean up.
Now, I spend my entire day under the AC, even the mild heat is starting to hurt my head.

Owning a Gear cycle was a luxury. If you dont feel like cycling, you walked. Now, a life without a car seems impossible.

Mom took me out on outings, shopping I waited to travel by the city buses in which I rarely got a chance to ride The crowd and the noise.. aaah! heaven.
To avoid the rush, the heat and the noise, a fleet of AC volvo buses are available; even for the next bus stop.

Rnning around, playing games happened to be the only exercise (apart from PT in school). Exhorbitantly charging gyms and aerobics classes are now in trend. not to mention the preposterous diets that we kill ourselves with. Whatever happened to the days where a strenuous evening of play for rewarded by home-made-straight- from-the-pan bajjis and bondas.

"Come out!!! Lets play!!!", I used yell, from the gate of my best bud's house, we disapperared for the entire evening. Now, my best friend plays with me sometimes, from the comfort of her home, over the internet.

Bleeding cuts, fractured arms, stitches and healed scars were displayed proudly. Along with how we got them (exaggerated stories of course). Now, anti-marks creames rule. Not to mention, even the smallest of cut, now has to be treated by the doctor. Whatever happened to the days, when no matter how deep the wound was, burning anti-septic and a kiss from mom would heal it all.

We wrote letters when we were apart, me and my bud. We email now. Sometimes chat. But I miss the paper tinted with tears. Every inch covered with funky stickers. Hand made decor and the joy of just seeing a handwriting, that gives you all the joy in the world.

Eating from the road-side shops. Playing in the dirt. Sleeping on the terrace on summer nights. Counting stars. Endless things, I'm missing.
I've now become from corporation to Corporate.
Was the change worth it???

Ready... Set.... Fight...

I'm not doing justice by keeping mum about why I moved out of my old apparment.
Well so here it goes...

I imagine my roomie to be something [ Think tall heavy set girl with glasses who reads books and loves to watch movies] and she turns out be.. well... something else [Think short heavy set girl minus glasses who dos not read, blog, surf and watches a lot of movies which have no sense in them].

Now at first she is really sweet with me.. And one fine morning she follows me into the bathroom [Please put your mind voices to rest] and dumps detergent on all the buckets available and announces she wants to have bath. I ask her to wait for 15 mins which she does not want to do, and I give in not wanting to push it any further. She then follows me out and picks up a plate and heads to the kitchen to have breakfast....
I was stumped. Being stupidly polite I waited... Then ofcourse eventually the fight came up. There was a loud exchange of disappointment [ This being the understatement of this century].

Well atleast I came to know, this is all you can expect from a person, who carries their handbag into the balcony [ which is 6X3 feet ] does a on the spot piroutte to look for a doormat, which I specifically mentioned was not there.

Oh Hey!!! and some of my batchmates I never mentioned, simply cause I mentioned people who were actually worth mentioning. I mean a bunch of gomathis [thanks soin for the word!!] is really not what I want to waste my blog space on. Especially, those who turn their faces away when you try wishing them on their birthday.

Day 1 -The D-Day.. an early Adieu...

This is my last day in chennai.
Tomorrow, I have to start treading in unknown waters, and for the first time in my life, I'm all by myself.
Uncertainities are still lurking around my brain (which is freshly re-wired). But I guess all will be well.
Considering I haven't made even accomodation arrangements, Internet and blogging has to take the back seat for now.

Owing to the fact, that I finally have a full time job now I'll be writing daily, and posting weekly.

Adieu till next sunday :) :) :)

PS: This does not mean I'm quitting, I will be inficting myself upon blogger less often, till I get myself wireless modem :) :)

Gallows Of Love

The virtue of love, I did learn from you,

But with that intoxication came pain

Why do I have to suffer, in agony again?

In happiness all the pain I did accept.

For you, is this where love & hate intersect?

Ripped from its shell, it is you my soul follows,

Why was it you, who sent it to the gallows.

Day 4 & 3 - Fever spoils the fun... Diary comes to the rescue

Down with fever :( Guess my sis saabam-uttufied pretty bad. My brain wouldn't do any thinking and I could not stay away from blogging... My diary came to rescue. I unearthed another one of my favorite poems. This is one is fairly recent...

Masks

True colours fade,

Hidden under the veneer of falsity.

Take me away from underneath,

Before in there I jade...

To her I'm happy,

Strong willed and fiery.

To him I'm shy,

sad, yet smiling and fluttery.

Beneath my happiness,

Are tears.

And the pretence of courage,

Wrap my fears.

Take me away,

From under this Mask.

For if this is what it takes to be human,

It is not in a dark limelight, I wish to bask.

PPPS: Thanks Arunima for the follow :)

Day 5 - Operation Scare-the-Little Freak

The kalyana chatram was now empty and operation clean-up was going on and all of us were required to help. Since I'd slept all morning I got the night shift along with three of my cousins (1 sister and 2 brothers fyi).
We did not get around to doing much cleaning since by 11 'o' clock we had managed to only throw things at each other and become tired. Settling down in the chatram itself for the night, my brothers and I hatched an evil plan.

We were talking about how, when my little sister was born, we were required to baby-sit her and she was never co-operative (she always used to pee on us). As she got older, we took revenge on her by locking her up in a room all alone, running away while we played hide-n-seek and she always ended up finding us immersed in some other game in a remote place, threatening her to dance or we would lock her up with the ghost in the bathroom (which was usually one of my brothers draped in white sheets). Sigh! those days.
[Do you think this is why she created an aversion to the very sight of us?]

Well, last night, she was fast asleep. She looked so peaceful, we could not tolerate it.
[ Let me call my brothers Kanaku Pulla and Vaathi (One is a B.Com student and the other is a Lecturer in a college, I know we never grow up).]
Kanaku had a brainwave and we decided to relive the old days. :D Even though Vaathi was acting all against, we managed to pull him on to our side.

Operation Scare-the- Little Freak was set rolling.

Scene : A room in the chatram, dimly lighted by a 0 watt bulb.

Vaathi: Ammu, wake up, Pri is missing.
[ammu wakes up all groggy]
Ammu: Is that why the room is silent? She must be in the loo or something.
[my dear sis takes a stab at me even when half asleep]
Vaathi: Illa di. Something is wrong, we came up together but she is missing. Come help me look for her.
[my sis agrees reluctantly]
[Both carry a torch and start looking around. My sis is such a wit, not once she thought of switching on the lights (exactly like we were hoping - or the whole plan booos)]
[Vaathi and sis marching in the dark looking for me]
Ammu: Are you sure she would've come here? I dont like this place. Its so eerie at night.
[turns back to realise that its not vaathi but kanaku standing there]
Ammu: AYE! When did you come?
Kanaku: Yenna di? Gone mad? I only woke you up and brought you here.
Ammu: Aye you people are playing with me again. I'm going back.
Kanaku: Fine go alone. If they find you dead tomorrow morning, I wont be responsible for it. Pri is missing already.
[Ammu is visibly confused, teary and angry at the same time]
Ammu: But I'm sure it was Vaathi who came with me.
Kanaku: SSHHH!!!!! do you hear that?
[Ammu breaks into a sweat]
Ammu: What?
Kanaku: ssshh!!!!!!!!!! LISTEN...

[JHAL JHAL JHAL... sound of chalangai.]

[Ammu is paralysed]
Ammu: Its behind me no???? YENAKU PINNADI THAANE IRUKU????
[I'm standing behind Ammu with face painted in sunnambu holding a flashlight below my chin (its off - climax cue is yet to come]
Kanaku: Illa di loose. If you want turn around and see.
[Ammu rotates slowly rooted to the spot and that my cue]
[Tak! The torch is on]
[Ammu sees me emits a high pitched scream and starts running around the hall. Vaaathi switches on the light! and Ammu sees us three rolling on the floor laughing so hard!]

Well the aftermath: She complained (tattle-tale) to anybody who would listen. We were heartily congratulated by our other cousins, who deeply enjoyed the blow-by-blow of the incident. The parents punished us in a really silly way by giving us chores to do (We caught them laughing about it in private). It felt refreshingly good.

PS: Avaloda saabamo yenaamo I don't know I'm down with fever today.
PPS: Thanks to my new chalangai type golusu (anklet) which has earned me a new nick-name Mohini Pisasu.
PPPS: I'd like to clear a mis-conception by mentioning that Mohini was not a pisasu but the female form taken by Vishnu (not the blogger guy) during the Kurma (pronuounce "KOORMA" not as in chapathi side-dish) avtar, to distribute amritham to the devas (who are always helpless despite their powers)
PPPPS: I'm nowhere near dismantling adulthood, judging by the way I've been behaving since this blog was created. I'm now considering re-naming the blog "Climbing Up and Down the Ladder of Time". Tell me your views on that and also why my sister hates me - I'd like to know :) :)

Day 8 - For all the Chennai autokarans

This is a small reminder for all the autokarans in Chennai. (Stress on the italicized words)

1. You guys are not the King of Road.
2. People pay you guys exhorbitant amount of money, to get them to the destination safely in one piece.
3. Honking at other vehicles when the signal is RED will not help, apart from creating one hell of a noise.
4. Bumping two-wheelers from the rear to get them moving in jam packed traffic is insanity.
5. There are things called INDICATORS. Use them it'll help us a lot.
6. Do not snake your way in traffic. The autos are quite big in size, incase you people have never noticed.
7. When you guys hit someone from the rear and make them fall AND scream at them like it was their mistake, you look like complete morons.
8. When you ask for fares, stick to one figure. Asking for more, because the actual destination was 1 foot too far away than you anticipated, is foolishness and being so blatantly greedy is equivalent to shamelessness.

PS: Not all the autokarans are bad here, some have our style thalaiva's photos and behave very modestly like he did in the movie :)

PPS: The above PS does not however apply to the senseless pea-brained moron who nearly knocked me over the flyover today!!!!

Day 9 - I wont' let go

I won't let go, but I need to.
I dont want to cry
That means I'm weak
I've lost too many things ..
I've cried many a tears.
But nothing i did or said brought any of them back
Tears are simply not the answers I seek.
Tell me what to do, Guide me the way.
Under this mask of falsity, I do not wish to stay.
Take me away, I beg of thee.
For everything around me has reduced to nothing but debris.

Day 10 - Call of Death

I opened my eyes to darkness...

Everything was still. Everything was silent, except for the faint sound of the wind outside.
Time wrapped her hands around my neck. I struggled to breathe, I fought the suffocation. The pain vanished. Darkness prevailed and I lapsed into a trance....

I opened my eyes to light...
A pair of eyes looked at me.
Such warmth in them, such fathoms deep love.
And those tears in them looked so beautiful. They were smiling and cring at the same time. I smiled back.
Rush of light... More eyes, more smiles... none felt familiar. I started to cry. Warmth found me again. "Hush", ma said, and hush I did. I closed my eyes, falling back into a stupor....

I opened my eyes to darkness...
Time was waiting, to apparate me to another place... I felt a slight push. I felt something boiling inside me. I felt rebellion. I felt black.

I opened my eyes to light...
The same eyes again. Not holding me but watching me. Fathoms deep love still present. I saw hurt this time. Tears but smiles were still there... So sad, yet so beautiful. I felt heavy with guilt. "You are growing up. You need space too.", ma said. I avoided the eyes. Heavier than before, I happily let time choke me again.

I opened my eyes to darkness...
Time was still there, rushing me off to another dimension. This time, pain seared through my body.. I tried to scream, the agony unbearable... I passed out again...

I opened my eyes to light...
White light... Pain persisted. Unable to move I cried out silently. The eyes again. Hurt, fear, happiness, relief and anger flashed all at the same time. The eyes softened. "You are a brave girl. And you are all better now. Rest now love", ma said. Hands of time carressed me, as I blacked out again.

I opened my eyes to darkness...
Sweating, scared and confused. I called out. I called out again...
Light killed the darkness, blinding me.
I cried, and hands grabbed me gently...
I opened my eyes, to those eyes.
Fear, concern and confusion evident in them. I cried even more, falling into her arms...
"Hush", ma said. And hush I did. I closed my eyes to the warmth of death….

Day 11 - The Wake Up Call

There was a horrible metal crunching sound. A sharp pain shot up on the back of my head. The atmosphere was turning into complete chaos. My head was throbbing and my glasses were askew. Everything was a blur. I heard someone scream my name, but it sounded very distant. The sounds slowly faded. The throbbing in my head got worse and every part of me was screaming with pain. Tears were burning my eyes. My mother’s teary face was all I saw before collapsing.

A sting on my hip brought me back to my senses. My mother was speaking to someone. The sounds were back. I felt the pain coming back. I was weighed down by some unknown force. It dawned on me that I’d met with an accident. My mother was screaming something into the phone, I managed to catch only a few words… head injury… hospital..... The word hospital confirmed my worst fears.

I was rushed to the hospital. When the IV started to run I did something that I had been trying to do for a long time… I screamed… I was given a sedative and I drifted off into a long sleep.

When I woke up, my head was feeling much lighter. I looked up and saw only white all around. My first thought was... “I’m dead. This is heaven.” Then I realized my IV was still running, worse still there were circular white stuff stuck on my chest with a monitor beeping behind me. Horrors of horrors a nurse was walking brusquely towards me carrying another needle. Before I could even protest the needle was in and out.

With oral diet prohibited, I lay hungry and weak all day. I sat up slowly, only to have wished I had never done so. Code Red on the bed right next to mine. That woman on it died, right in front of my eyes. My monitor was howling wildly by then. I was sedated... again. From then on it was regular, I was sedated three times a day. I slept every time wishing I’d die in sleep. I’d wake up to find myself alive...

A loud noise jolted me back to the present. Day Light pricked my eyes. I sat up. My heart was racing at top speed and I was clammy from all the sweat.
"Just a nightmare", I assured myself, and began my day.


PS: The incident described is real. It is etched so clearly in my mind, because that was the very first time in my entire life I had seen my dad cry... Also this was the beginning of the end of my goth years...

Day 12 - Part 2

I thought this day would never end!!

I started going on early morning walks [from today :)], accompanied by an extremely nosy and gossip mongering neighbour. The girl just has to rant about who wore what and did what and said what every second of a conversation [ which usually is a monologue if I'm on the other end ].
I did not know anyother way to keep her quiet, so I put on my headphones and she got the message :D

I was also planning on crash dieting, when my guruji effectively scared me that I will put on double the weight I lose after I quit the diet. (:O), so I made sure I ate properly today.
Classes cancelled again!! No surprises there.

My grandma's brother fell down and I was posted on look-after duty at her place the whole day...


I had a chance to browse my old writings.. And I hit upon my favorite one...

The Fates....

Where goes a slain hero and why?

The former answer is available not.

The answer to the latter.......

Fates rule life....

God has given us no choices,

"Given our choice we would raise our voices", says a soul.

"Against god?", is what I ask.

Getting an answer is a mammoth task.

Says the same soul - "There is no end to the misery that God giveth.

Given a choice , I would choose happiness to get."

Asks the soul -

"When will sadness end? When will the rules be bent?"

Acceptance is the way ,

But who listens to this say...

To all this and more, I am immune..

To this tapestry of life, I have been sewn.

No one escapes the Fates...

Happiness is but a bait -

Thrown by God , for accepting life and its ways...

"When will the book of Fates be shut?", The soul questions.

I reply... when the threads of the tapestry will be cut.....

PS: I end abruptly, for the lack anything else to say. :) Do rate the poem :)

Back to day 12 - Sedated

With my shifting postponed to 31st, and classes being cancelled left and right, I'm finding myself at home, in front of my laptop, online 24x7, nearly everyday.
The first two days it was fun. The third day it began to affect my brain (The parts that are still unaffected that is).
The fourth day, I spent as much as 16 hours sleeping. It was like I was sedated or something.
 To pour fuel on fire, dad and mom left me home alone, and went out of station to attend  marriage. The whole day, I was paralyzed on the bed.
I was just starting to think I had hit rock bottom, but I dug deeper and jumped in, when I was half way writing a post and it kind of wasn't saved, (and I still have no clue as to what I was writing about, when i fell on the laptop and slept. I woke up the next day morning, to find the light on in my room)
Thankfully, my dad has come back, and I now have work to do. :D
Will post something that is a non-polambal tonight :)

Day 10 - The Diary Series Starts...

Okay I suttufied the idea from Leo's post:

http://1mind2worlds.blogspot.com/2009/10/down-memory-lane.html

I'm planning to put down some of the poems (Which I can still realte to) I've scribbled in my diary in teen angst!

This was my first ever poem ever....

Am I old or am I young?

I know not what I am.
My mother says I’m adolescent
I know not what it means…

People say it is a crucial age
I know not what it conveys…
The future is mine to make… they say….
And I know not what I am to be…

Am I a puppet in the hands of fate?
Or am I a free spirit poised to fly?
And I know not what I am to do…

I know not why I write this…
But it gives me peace.
My inner voice has spoken…
And I wish for it to continue, till life does cease.

PS: It was written in seething anger when I was in 9th grade, my mom refused to let me go to my best friend's house for a party. And one thing let to another and I was grounded... :P

PPS: For some reason, This poem is making me laugh like crazy right now. I was so silly :D

Day 11 - Deepavali Day 2 (Grandma's revenge)

Today started off insanely early, with mom propping me up on a chair, while i was half asleep and pouring nalla yennai on my head ( They could sign a contract for 25 years to extract oil from my head you know? ) and nagging me constantly to have bath soon (Kind of difficult when she keeps knocking on the bathroom door ten times a minute, simply because the neighbors started bursting crackers).

To my greatest disappointment, she had my saree waiting when I came out, and I stuggled for around 1 hour to drape it properly. Then came the duty of distributing sweets to the neighbours. Half of them could not recognize me immediately because of the saree - AWKWARD!
(The aunty folk fell laughing saying "drishti suthi podu" and "oh! unaku maapla paarkanum" , I mean wtf? I wear saree one day and they are ready to get me married!!! )

The torture did not end there. My mom would not hand me my new jeans, because it was black .( "No Black during festival. You can wear in the evening" :P)

I had to roam half of Chennai, visiting every athai and mama and paati, with the saree on! (Thankfully it was held up by two dozen safety pins. Bless the man who invented them!). And everyone seemed to have made only gulab jaamuns (If I see another jaamun today, I swear to god.....!!!!!!)

I was having a tough time walking around!

By the time I came back home, I had sworn several times, in extremely filthy language may I mention, like a thousand times ( to myself ofcourse, my mom would have me hung). But every oncoming 100 buck note with the vethala paaku, kept me quiet :)

Back home, I retired to a simple meal of mom-made dosas and sambar, and after watching Dashavataram for like the umpteenth time, I'm here blogging :) (Beasuse ma specifically told me not to sit online and get to bed early :D Blogging secretly, knowing mom is right in the next room and she will scream herself hoarse if she catches me, is so cool in a weird way :)...


Hope you guys had a great time too :)


PS : I stoppped bursting crackers a couple of years back, for no reason. Its so much fun even without them :)
PPS: Paati, I hope you are extremely happy now! I have roamed around with a constantly pink face!!!!

Day 13 - The FAQs

Below are a series of questions I'm usually asked when people get to know me quite well....

I'm answering them here before hand...


1) Are you a girl? (Very popular this...)
A:  Have you considered wearing specs?


2) Why don't you behave like one?
A:  Is there a manual I can follow? Please do guide me to it.


3) How come all your best friends are guys?
A:  Frankly, I dont know. :D


4) Do you have any girl BFFs?
A: Yes I do. Mags. Poor girl has been with me since my school days.


5) Why do you believe in aliens?
A: Why dont you believe in aliens?


6) Death Metal?? Care to clarify?? (Thanks Vishnu)
A:  For some reason I find it soothing (even though mom thinks its cacophony) and I was goth.


7) GOTH????
A: Yes. Fate screwed me up badly, and I found solace in pain. I'm past the phase now, but I still find it hard to throw it away completely. ( I always gravitate towards black even now - which has lead mom to be my shopping manager :D)


8) What are you now?
A:  Confused. But extremely happy. (Partly because my Lacrimal glands have dried up)


9) Why are you inflicting yourself upon blogger?
A:  Leo blackmailed me into it. And its helluva fun :)


10) Are your posts meant to be funny?
A:  Depends. Do you have a sense of humour?


PS: Leo is bound to disagree with more than half the answers. :) :)

PPS: Many thanks to Amal for the follow :) :) :)