Emptiness

As I walked down the path I chose,

Around me the dust of my past rose

Thousands of pairs of eyes, I see,

        are following as though seeing right through me.

I cower, cover and break into a run

Jeering eyes follow, drawing out of my misery, twisted fun

The gaping hole inside me is now so pronounced,

My masks fade as darkness creeps up unannounced.

My tears have dried and my patience tried

as I grope,

in the darkness for a tiny speck of hope...

From Corporation to Corporate - What we were to what we are

I remember the days, when I spent endless hours in the hot sun, climbing trees and racing my cycle like a maniac, fogetting the time, until my mom screamed from window to come back in and clean up.
Now, I spend my entire day under the AC, even the mild heat is starting to hurt my head.

Owning a Gear cycle was a luxury. If you dont feel like cycling, you walked. Now, a life without a car seems impossible.

Mom took me out on outings, shopping I waited to travel by the city buses in which I rarely got a chance to ride The crowd and the noise.. aaah! heaven.
To avoid the rush, the heat and the noise, a fleet of AC volvo buses are available; even for the next bus stop.

Rnning around, playing games happened to be the only exercise (apart from PT in school). Exhorbitantly charging gyms and aerobics classes are now in trend. not to mention the preposterous diets that we kill ourselves with. Whatever happened to the days where a strenuous evening of play for rewarded by home-made-straight- from-the-pan bajjis and bondas.

"Come out!!! Lets play!!!", I used yell, from the gate of my best bud's house, we disapperared for the entire evening. Now, my best friend plays with me sometimes, from the comfort of her home, over the internet.

Bleeding cuts, fractured arms, stitches and healed scars were displayed proudly. Along with how we got them (exaggerated stories of course). Now, anti-marks creames rule. Not to mention, even the smallest of cut, now has to be treated by the doctor. Whatever happened to the days, when no matter how deep the wound was, burning anti-septic and a kiss from mom would heal it all.

We wrote letters when we were apart, me and my bud. We email now. Sometimes chat. But I miss the paper tinted with tears. Every inch covered with funky stickers. Hand made decor and the joy of just seeing a handwriting, that gives you all the joy in the world.

Eating from the road-side shops. Playing in the dirt. Sleeping on the terrace on summer nights. Counting stars. Endless things, I'm missing.
I've now become from corporation to Corporate.
Was the change worth it???

Ready... Set.... Fight...

I'm not doing justice by keeping mum about why I moved out of my old apparment.
Well so here it goes...

I imagine my roomie to be something [ Think tall heavy set girl with glasses who reads books and loves to watch movies] and she turns out be.. well... something else [Think short heavy set girl minus glasses who dos not read, blog, surf and watches a lot of movies which have no sense in them].

Now at first she is really sweet with me.. And one fine morning she follows me into the bathroom [Please put your mind voices to rest] and dumps detergent on all the buckets available and announces she wants to have bath. I ask her to wait for 15 mins which she does not want to do, and I give in not wanting to push it any further. She then follows me out and picks up a plate and heads to the kitchen to have breakfast....
I was stumped. Being stupidly polite I waited... Then ofcourse eventually the fight came up. There was a loud exchange of disappointment [ This being the understatement of this century].

Well atleast I came to know, this is all you can expect from a person, who carries their handbag into the balcony [ which is 6X3 feet ] does a on the spot piroutte to look for a doormat, which I specifically mentioned was not there.

Oh Hey!!! and some of my batchmates I never mentioned, simply cause I mentioned people who were actually worth mentioning. I mean a bunch of gomathis [thanks soin for the word!!] is really not what I want to waste my blog space on. Especially, those who turn their faces away when you try wishing them on their birthday.

ComeBack

Ok so its just gonna be rambling now...
Its high time I update on whats been happening for over a month.

I dont feel grown up at all. Infact I feel younger than ever. Working has definately dug out energy from deep within me (something i thought did not exist).

Lest start from work - The place is awesome. Period.
So I started off as a meek freshie along woth 26 other freshies who are all double my height.
Then I move into this so called paying guest accomodation, and in no sooner than two weeks, my roomie starts to lose cool with me, and we have a shouting match about who gets to use the bathroom when.
I move into my second house, where everyone is really cool. Alls well on that side.

Now to my colleagues - The normal ppl (my ex-roomie included)

1. JM - thats her global id, so i'll keep it that way. She thinks she is cool. She's not.
2. MJ - as AB calls her, is a sweetheart, a lil lose on the head sometimes.
3. RKP - My ex-roomie. To prevent myself from using foul lingo, I'll stop with the fact that she was my roomie.
4. SK - Okay sorts. Great companion.
5. The northie fellows - good bunch to hang around and have fun with. Wish they would learn when to stop stretching jokes beyond the tolerance level.

My colleagues - The cool ones (as in my gang - not weirdly though I'm the only girl)

1.Subs - Reminds me of my dad. Trust him completely when it comes to shopping. One of the best dressed guys in the batch.
2.Seven - Sweetest of the lot. Looks silent but is not in reality. It took him a while to come out.
3.Praise - The regular Tamil guy. Super fun to be with. And super fun to torture.
4.Ding Ding - Silent. So very silent. Sad the stuff he says is never heard. It would make a great book.
5.Venky - Has the cutest smile of all. For some reason he finds it amusing to point out every now and then that I'm short.
6. God of War - Non-stop gabber. Will tease anyone about anything anywhere anytime. But is pretty sweet down below.
7.Snake Dancer - He has a constant smile on his face. Take it easy types. Teams up with GOW to tease the hell out of people.
8.Doctor - Quite obnoxious sometimes. But is actually a very sensible fellow.
9.B - Everyone hates it when I call him that.He is okay sorts. Fun :)
10 AB - By far, the most sensible friend I have had after Mags. Great fun to be with. And easiest of the lot to talk with.

Thats everyone... Stories, pics and poems will flow :) :)

And I also got my first salary. :)
I have already blown it off :D

A big Apology..... And a big Thank you..

Hi guys,

I've been away an awfully long time. A big thanks to Leo who posted for me last week :)..
I'm not able to write weekly as I promised at the same time, I've been missing it.
Work has taken over my life. And I've already almost got into a cat-fight at work. (Thank god for a sane roommate).
Living off Andhra meals daily is a tough task. And the office cafeteria does not help at all.
My batch is a bunch of seriously cool and fun loving people, and all I do all day is laugh at the silliest of jokes.

I have to stop it here for now, as the mosquitoes in the browsing centre are drinking all the blood from my feet.
I'm off home for the weekend.
Will post from home....

Many thanks for the follow The Write Girl, Meow & Brinda
PS: Even with a roomie who acts like my mom, I'm terribly starved and homesick.
PPS: I'm so sorry, I haven't been reading any of your posts... Will do it from home :) :)

Day 1 -The D-Day.. an early Adieu...

This is my last day in chennai.
Tomorrow, I have to start treading in unknown waters, and for the first time in my life, I'm all by myself.
Uncertainities are still lurking around my brain (which is freshly re-wired). But I guess all will be well.
Considering I haven't made even accomodation arrangements, Internet and blogging has to take the back seat for now.

Owing to the fact, that I finally have a full time job now I'll be writing daily, and posting weekly.

Adieu till next sunday :) :) :)

PS: This does not mean I'm quitting, I will be inficting myself upon blogger less often, till I get myself wireless modem :) :)

Day 2 - The Moonlight Jive

A soft whisper stirred my nice reverie.

"Come, look out the window and see"

Welcomed, by soft kisses of the breeze,

I watched happily, the swaying of trees.

"Look up", came the soft whisper again,

Pearlish moon was smiling for me to see,

Many stars twinkling above like a crown,

A silent melody played softly just for me.

It gave me hope, took away all my fears,

It lightened the pain I had all these years.

"I've missed so much, of beauty in life"

I let go of past. joined the moonlight jive.

PS: Childish as it may sound.. I felt extremely good writing it :)

PPS: Belated thanks (:P) to HaRy for the follow :)

Gallows Of Love

The virtue of love, I did learn from you,

But with that intoxication came pain

Why do I have to suffer, in agony again?

In happiness all the pain I did accept.

For you, is this where love & hate intersect?

Ripped from its shell, it is you my soul follows,

Why was it you, who sent it to the gallows.

Day 4 & 3 - Fever spoils the fun... Diary comes to the rescue

Down with fever :( Guess my sis saabam-uttufied pretty bad. My brain wouldn't do any thinking and I could not stay away from blogging... My diary came to rescue. I unearthed another one of my favorite poems. This is one is fairly recent...

Masks

True colours fade,

Hidden under the veneer of falsity.

Take me away from underneath,

Before in there I jade...

To her I'm happy,

Strong willed and fiery.

To him I'm shy,

sad, yet smiling and fluttery.

Beneath my happiness,

Are tears.

And the pretence of courage,

Wrap my fears.

Take me away,

From under this Mask.

For if this is what it takes to be human,

It is not in a dark limelight, I wish to bask.

PPPS: Thanks Arunima for the follow :)

Elusive...

Your silence speaks to me more than your words...

the pauses are not awkward, but moments of deep understanding...

Is this silence going to rule.. or will there be a time

When i get to hear what my heart longs for...

The sound that keeps my spirits alive..

the waves that give me the strength to go on...

Remember , that every time you are silent , the absence of the vibrations,

is pulling at my life strings....

Speak.. for it keeps me alive....

Give me an answer, why is it to you my heart is glued?

Speak.. why is it only me you elude?

Day 7 & 6 - Iyer Ootu Kannalam

Tension and temper both running high today. One of my cousin sisters got married today.


Everybody except the groom seemed to be angry, sad or simply bored.
I was given driver duty - i.e. ferrying people and things back and forth the chathram and home (It is really not worth being the only youth around without a job and with a license sometimes!!!)

Well marriage is usually a thiruvizha affair in my family, considering there are hardly any girl children in my family (3 is the exact figure, now down to 2).

Marriages in my family, are usually a match-making get-togethers (Its like, another one down, lets hook up the next), this one being no exception.

All the aunty folk spent their time eyeing each other's bling-bling and attires. Exchanging top-secret-military-info about how the bride/groom were hooked up, and checking if there were any eligible bachelor(ette)s left on the other side so they could try bringing them together. There is always the talk of how much the bride is bringing along with her. (I could go on here and there would never be a stop).
The uncle folk, joked about their married lives (sigh! brave entities these men), eyed their respective aunty folk secretly to make sure they were out of ear-shot before they could talk about their yester-year girlfriends, some talked about their career, investment, money. Some were worried about missing the ODI today. But, mostly they were wondering every few seconds, when the food will be served. (And obviously the list stops here)
I stood in one corner, and watched as the groom tied the mangalyam. I watched as my sister was beaming one instant then in tears the other (only a woman can manage to do that). I also overheard too many people already getting excited about getting me married (I'm next in line. Thank you). I also made a mental note to ask someone to get an escape vehicle ready outside the chathram's ventilator :D

PS: Sorry about the title - but I overheard one of the passers-by commenting that it was an - "Iyer ootu kannalam" (Singaara Chennai-in iniya Tamizh vaazhga)

Day 8 - For all the Chennai autokarans

This is a small reminder for all the autokarans in Chennai. (Stress on the italicized words)

1. You guys are not the King of Road.
2. People pay you guys exhorbitant amount of money, to get them to the destination safely in one piece.
3. Honking at other vehicles when the signal is RED will not help, apart from creating one hell of a noise.
4. Bumping two-wheelers from the rear to get them moving in jam packed traffic is insanity.
5. There are things called INDICATORS. Use them it'll help us a lot.
6. Do not snake your way in traffic. The autos are quite big in size, incase you people have never noticed.
7. When you guys hit someone from the rear and make them fall AND scream at them like it was their mistake, you look like complete morons.
8. When you ask for fares, stick to one figure. Asking for more, because the actual destination was 1 foot too far away than you anticipated, is foolishness and being so blatantly greedy is equivalent to shamelessness.

PS: Not all the autokarans are bad here, some have our style thalaiva's photos and behave very modestly like he did in the movie :)

PPS: The above PS does not however apply to the senseless pea-brained moron who nearly knocked me over the flyover today!!!!

Day 9 - I wont' let go

I won't let go, but I need to.
I dont want to cry
That means I'm weak
I've lost too many things ..
I've cried many a tears.
But nothing i did or said brought any of them back
Tears are simply not the answers I seek.
Tell me what to do, Guide me the way.
Under this mask of falsity, I do not wish to stay.
Take me away, I beg of thee.
For everything around me has reduced to nothing but debris.

Day 10 - Call of Death

I opened my eyes to darkness...

Everything was still. Everything was silent, except for the faint sound of the wind outside.
Time wrapped her hands around my neck. I struggled to breathe, I fought the suffocation. The pain vanished. Darkness prevailed and I lapsed into a trance....

I opened my eyes to light...
A pair of eyes looked at me.
Such warmth in them, such fathoms deep love.
And those tears in them looked so beautiful. They were smiling and cring at the same time. I smiled back.
Rush of light... More eyes, more smiles... none felt familiar. I started to cry. Warmth found me again. "Hush", ma said, and hush I did. I closed my eyes, falling back into a stupor....

I opened my eyes to darkness...
Time was waiting, to apparate me to another place... I felt a slight push. I felt something boiling inside me. I felt rebellion. I felt black.

I opened my eyes to light...
The same eyes again. Not holding me but watching me. Fathoms deep love still present. I saw hurt this time. Tears but smiles were still there... So sad, yet so beautiful. I felt heavy with guilt. "You are growing up. You need space too.", ma said. I avoided the eyes. Heavier than before, I happily let time choke me again.

I opened my eyes to darkness...
Time was still there, rushing me off to another dimension. This time, pain seared through my body.. I tried to scream, the agony unbearable... I passed out again...

I opened my eyes to light...
White light... Pain persisted. Unable to move I cried out silently. The eyes again. Hurt, fear, happiness, relief and anger flashed all at the same time. The eyes softened. "You are a brave girl. And you are all better now. Rest now love", ma said. Hands of time carressed me, as I blacked out again.

I opened my eyes to darkness...
Sweating, scared and confused. I called out. I called out again...
Light killed the darkness, blinding me.
I cried, and hands grabbed me gently...
I opened my eyes, to those eyes.
Fear, concern and confusion evident in them. I cried even more, falling into her arms...
"Hush", ma said. And hush I did. I closed my eyes to the warmth of death….

Day 11 - The Wake Up Call

There was a horrible metal crunching sound. A sharp pain shot up on the back of my head. The atmosphere was turning into complete chaos. My head was throbbing and my glasses were askew. Everything was a blur. I heard someone scream my name, but it sounded very distant. The sounds slowly faded. The throbbing in my head got worse and every part of me was screaming with pain. Tears were burning my eyes. My mother’s teary face was all I saw before collapsing.

A sting on my hip brought me back to my senses. My mother was speaking to someone. The sounds were back. I felt the pain coming back. I was weighed down by some unknown force. It dawned on me that I’d met with an accident. My mother was screaming something into the phone, I managed to catch only a few words… head injury… hospital..... The word hospital confirmed my worst fears.

I was rushed to the hospital. When the IV started to run I did something that I had been trying to do for a long time… I screamed… I was given a sedative and I drifted off into a long sleep.

When I woke up, my head was feeling much lighter. I looked up and saw only white all around. My first thought was... “I’m dead. This is heaven.” Then I realized my IV was still running, worse still there were circular white stuff stuck on my chest with a monitor beeping behind me. Horrors of horrors a nurse was walking brusquely towards me carrying another needle. Before I could even protest the needle was in and out.

With oral diet prohibited, I lay hungry and weak all day. I sat up slowly, only to have wished I had never done so. Code Red on the bed right next to mine. That woman on it died, right in front of my eyes. My monitor was howling wildly by then. I was sedated... again. From then on it was regular, I was sedated three times a day. I slept every time wishing I’d die in sleep. I’d wake up to find myself alive...

A loud noise jolted me back to the present. Day Light pricked my eyes. I sat up. My heart was racing at top speed and I was clammy from all the sweat.
"Just a nightmare", I assured myself, and began my day.


PS: The incident described is real. It is etched so clearly in my mind, because that was the very first time in my entire life I had seen my dad cry... Also this was the beginning of the end of my goth years...

Day 12 - Part 2

I thought this day would never end!!

I started going on early morning walks [from today :)], accompanied by an extremely nosy and gossip mongering neighbour. The girl just has to rant about who wore what and did what and said what every second of a conversation [ which usually is a monologue if I'm on the other end ].
I did not know anyother way to keep her quiet, so I put on my headphones and she got the message :D

I was also planning on crash dieting, when my guruji effectively scared me that I will put on double the weight I lose after I quit the diet. (:O), so I made sure I ate properly today.
Classes cancelled again!! No surprises there.

My grandma's brother fell down and I was posted on look-after duty at her place the whole day...


I had a chance to browse my old writings.. And I hit upon my favorite one...

The Fates....

Where goes a slain hero and why?

The former answer is available not.

The answer to the latter.......

Fates rule life....

God has given us no choices,

"Given our choice we would raise our voices", says a soul.

"Against god?", is what I ask.

Getting an answer is a mammoth task.

Says the same soul - "There is no end to the misery that God giveth.

Given a choice , I would choose happiness to get."

Asks the soul -

"When will sadness end? When will the rules be bent?"

Acceptance is the way ,

But who listens to this say...

To all this and more, I am immune..

To this tapestry of life, I have been sewn.

No one escapes the Fates...

Happiness is but a bait -

Thrown by God , for accepting life and its ways...

"When will the book of Fates be shut?", The soul questions.

I reply... when the threads of the tapestry will be cut.....

PS: I end abruptly, for the lack anything else to say. :) Do rate the poem :)

Back to day 12 - Sedated

With my shifting postponed to 31st, and classes being cancelled left and right, I'm finding myself at home, in front of my laptop, online 24x7, nearly everyday.
The first two days it was fun. The third day it began to affect my brain (The parts that are still unaffected that is).
The fourth day, I spent as much as 16 hours sleeping. It was like I was sedated or something.
 To pour fuel on fire, dad and mom left me home alone, and went out of station to attend  marriage. The whole day, I was paralyzed on the bed.
I was just starting to think I had hit rock bottom, but I dug deeper and jumped in, when I was half way writing a post and it kind of wasn't saved, (and I still have no clue as to what I was writing about, when i fell on the laptop and slept. I woke up the next day morning, to find the light on in my room)
Thankfully, my dad has come back, and I now have work to do. :D
Will post something that is a non-polambal tonight :)

Conquer...

"Which way do I take?", I wonder
Standing at cross-roads.
My mind is shadowed with images of failure,
And my heart with fear.

Unseen hands caressed me,
And made me feel, what I could not see.
Images of success filled my mind.
My heart filled with joy, which till then was hollow.

"Conquer you mind", a voice said, "And everything postive will follow".


PS: If anyone is to blame , its Leo. He is inficting me upon poetry. He was vowed to find the poet in me, so dear readers, bear with him. (And me ofcourse) :D

ME | EM !

Words buzzed in my ears.
They were all talking, and I was in tears.
"I love you", whispered one voice near me.
"We are all there for you, don't you see?".
"To wipe your tears", said another,
"And to help you face your fears".

I smiled and turned around,
To see more reflections of myself, In the hall of Mirrors,
And slowly, the voices in my head die down.


PS: Rhyming ramble. Forgive me :) and Title suggestions are welcome :)
PPS: Title courtsey - Srivatsan.. Thanks dude!

Day 15 - The Clones

One more day down...

I spent half the day sleeping, hence was wide awake in class.
Talking about class, there are two namoonas I'm really going to miss badly.
Well to avoid lawsuits ( more like to avoid being beaten up ), I'm gonna change the names.
I'm going to call one Alvin ('cos she has the cutest chipmunk voice) and the other Tom ('cos I could not think of anything else, except that she is a tom-boy).

Alvin, Tom and me, have the same software with different hardware :D [ i.e. to say, we are pretty much the same, weird in our own ways with the only difference being in looks ]All we did in class all through the three months I was with them, was talk.
We discuss what we are going to talk, and then proceed to talk it and then talk about what we talked :D

Alvin, has the cutest voice in the www. She is so adorable, you could fall in love with her nature right away.
Tom, has the coolest walk in the history of the "womankind". Hats off to her carefree attitude, she is easily the most missed, when she dozes off at home and forgets to attend class. :D

KPV, another classmate of mine, [who is now happy in UK without us three tailing him and bugging him] calls us "The clones".

It is a wonder how we ever understand each other. Because there is always a period when all three of us are speaking different things at the same time and we still manage to respond to the other two :D

Why did I start writing this???....

Ah Yes!!!!....

To tell how weird we are in class.
Today, Tom was standing outside the Girl's restroom and started striking poses like the pictures stuck on the door to indicate it was the girls' room, and WHAM! the door opens and standing there is the Center Head of our branch. She gives us a queer look and moves on, and we laughed so much that we scared off the security dog.



PS: I cannot simply post the incident. I needed some build up. Hence the big intro for this sappa post. HE HE!
PPS: Alvin and Tom are girls :) just in case you missed the 'she's....